Monthly Archives: January 2018

Therapist as intruder

I gave a lecture recently where I showed work with a fragile woman who expressed fear that I would ask questions she did not want to answer. When I said that was projection, an audience member wondered if it was true. “After all,” he said, “we want to know what is going on in her, and in a sense we are intruders.”

In response, I said that we have no right to intrude on patients’ inner lives. We are here to do therapy, not commit a crime of breaking and entering. I can ask a question but if the patient does not want to answer it, I have to respect her wish not to reveal what she does not want to reveal.

“But we want to know,” he said. I replied, “Actually, no.” Therapy cannot be about my desire, but about her desire. If she desires to explore her inner life, I am willing to help her. This is her life and her therapy. Therapy cannot be driven by my desire but hers. I am just the servant of her desire.

This is not a matter or technique or a way to “trick” the patient into revealing herself. It’s a matter of ethics, our profound respect for her autonomy regarding her life and boundaries. Trying to make a patient talk about what she does not want to talk about is a form of emotional rape. So many of our patients were raped physically or emotionally. They fear we will do the same. So it’s important that we respect their wishes.

Th: “I have no right to ask you to talk about something you don’t want to talk about. I have no right to ask you to do something you don’t want to do. If this is not something you want to do, I have to respect your wishes. After all, this is your therapy, not mine.”

We are listeners, not intruders.

 

What if I can’t get a conscious alliance?

“What do you do when a patient does not form a conscious alliance in therapy? Sometimes I see videos where therapists think there is a conscious alliance but I sense they just have compliance in response to psychoeducation, bargaining, or premature challenge.”

Every patient wants our help to overcome their suffering. At the same time, based on their history of suffering, they fear that closeness with us will cause more pain. Unconsciously, every patient experiences a rise of feelings when we try to form a healing relationship. The question becomes this: how does the patient deal with these complex feelings that arise?

Fragile patients have trouble tolerating their mixed feelings toward the therapist. Thus, they may project their anger upon the therapist, imagining you to be critical. Or the patient may project his loving feelings upon you: “I’m afraid of the questions you want to ask.” “I feel like all eyes are upon me.” “I feel like there is something you are looking for.” The patient forgets her wish to form a healing connection. So she projects. She forgets that she has questions about herself and her life for which she wants answers. She forgets that her eyes want to look inside and see her. She forgets her wish to look inside. When she projects her will, she will fear you. We need to deactivate her projection of will, so she can own her will. Then you will have a conscious alliance with the fragile patient.

Depressed and somatizing patients usually form a good conscious alliance, but they become depressed or somatize as their mixed feelings rise.

Patients with high resistance with isolation of affect experience mixed feelings toward the therapist. But rather than become overwhelmed with anxiety or depression, they detach from the therapist to detach from the feelings they have toward you. The therapist who does not see the patient’s wall of detachment mistakenly may try to overcome the resistance through psycho-education, bargaining, or premature challenge. In response, the patient may appear to agree to engage in therapy. But some important clues tell you that they are complying rather than collaborating.

Complying with a therapist is a defense against declaring one’s own will to become intimately involved in therapy. Since compliance is a defense, we will see no signaling of unconscious anxiety or defense.

Imagine the highly resistant patient saying, “Sure I’d like to take a look at my feelings.” When this is compliance, we will see no sighing. Why? Because it is the defense of compliance, no feelings rise. If the patient genuinely wanted to become closer, this would trigger complex mixed feelings, anxiety, and a sigh or tension. If the patient declares a wish to be close, we will see a sigh and a defense. But if the patient complies, we will see no sigh and no defense. Why no defense? Because compliance itself is a defense. So no defense is necessary to ward off a defense.

If the patient appears to have a conscious therapeutic alliance, but we see no sighing or defenses when he agrees to look at his feelings, his response is compliance. This is one of the most common mistakes therapists make with highly resistant patients with isolation of affect. They think they have a conscious therapeutic alliance, but there is no evidence of unconscious signaling or defense to verify that hypothesis.

About 25% of patients exhibit little or no conscious therapeutic alliance initially in therapy. They say “yes” but act “no.” If we pay attention to what they say but ignore what they do, we fail to see and address the resistance. For this group, we will see little if any conscious therapeutic alliance until after a breakthrough to feelings.

So we have to listen to the unconscious therapeutic alliance to guide us when a conscious therapeutic alliance is not forthcoming. Even if the patient claims he has no problem, no will to look at his problem, and no conflicts, we will ignore his words and pay attention to the wordless music of truth: his sighs and other forms of unconscious anxiety, his defenses, and phrases that point to his unconscious wishes and desires (the unconscious therapeutic alliance). We have to listen to his essence hidden underneath the resistance. The resistance speaks through words. His unconscious essence communicates through his body and defenses. We listen to both, but privilege his unconscious essence.

In this small group, highly resistant with isolation of affect, in the absence of a conscious therapeutic alliance, we have to listen to the unconscious therapeutic alliance to guide us. Ignoring the unconscious therapeutic alliance, we end up listening to the resistance (the false “yes”), and trying to educate and convince the resistance. Meanwhile, the essence of the patient remains in prison, ever more despairing that we will listen to the cries from the unconscious.

If the patient’s conscious agreement to look inside himself does not trigger anxiety or defense, it is a defense. It is compliance. The words must match the unconscious music of anxiety and defenses. Otherwise, the words are just that: words.